we [the dad] :: team dad blog

Guess Who's Back in the *wiki wiki wiki wiki, shut up!*

Vacation Season????? That is one of the big fibs ever told. Who "goes away" for 6-months and calls it "Vacation"? In some circles they call that "doing a stint"

Did Eric get sent up the river? Did I? Not bloody likely. Besides, the records are sealed. So much shit happened, where to start. How about backwards.

1. sweN xoF htiw no dengis nilaP haraS

Yes, I am still obsessed with Miss "Your book made me throw up in my mouth" ex-Gov. of Putin, I mean Alaska. But she's back (thank you Fox News for ensuring that Jon Stewart gets a contract extension), so I am back. and hopefully Eric will be back as well.

2. Jude is addicted to puzzles. Have you ever seen a 2-yr-old do a 100-piece puzzle by himself? I have. Mr. No-Attn.-Span actually has an attention span. who knew? I guess this either means he'll end up in the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit or guessing your weight when the carnival rolls through town. either way I'm a proud papa.

3. Scarlett can bloody read. She doesn't think she can, but she can. She says, "Is it reading if I just know the word, instead of sounding it out?" She thinkgs that's "guessing"--I told her that if everyone sounded out every word all of the time, then no one would ever read books (ooops - that's already happening. Can't wait to have my news and literature administered by intervenous drip).

4. Stef is stef - she's a rock, plugging along, fighting the good fight, burning both ends of the candle, working for the love of it (and I am a cliche machine it seems). She has been helping the world one patient at a time (or sometimes in groups) and keeping me in check as well.

5. I still live half my life in one city and half in another. nothing new there. Shameless plug: I've started keeping another blog. It's like a blog mistress I guess (Eric, forgive me for my blog-infidelity). Surprise, another blogger with multiple blogs cloggering up the inter-web. It's basically a place where I can post my inane thoughts (oh wait, that's what this is for). Actually it's more of an outlet for my artictic endeavors (look for some critical pieces posted to it, some poems (print and audio) and I'll be posting saome of my music there soon too. It's called The Novice Is Apprentice. Check it out @ thenoviceisapprentice.wordpress.com

So, yeah, that's a start. I'll leave you with the best Daily Show clip I've seen in awhile. It'll take 6 minutes from your life--but hey, so will those Ziggy cartoons you get sent to your email every day

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Gretchen Carlson Dumbs Down
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past The Age of 30 [OLD MSN POST]

1. Coin his own nickname.

2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.

3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.

4. Hacky sack.

5. Name his "unit" his name plus junior.

6. Hang art with tape.

7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.

8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"

9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"

10. Skip.

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.

12. Let his father do his taxes.

13. Tap on the glass.

14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"

15. Use the word collated on his resume.

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.

19. Give shout-outs.

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.

21. Hug amusement-park characters.

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.

23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."

25. Request extra sprinkles.

26. Air drum.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.

31. End a conversation with "later skater."

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.

37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.

38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."

39. Whine.

40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."

41. Purchase fireworks.

42. Google the word vagina.

43. Ride a pony.

44. Sport an ironic mustache.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.

46. Organize a party bus.

47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.

49. Keg stands.

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank.

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.

54. Read The Fountainhead.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.

56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."

57. Own a vanity plate.

58. Whippits.

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

The Dirty Mermaid

Another Barbie took a shot at me. The topless nymph pushed for a romp in the shower this morning. I may need to remove all Barbies from the home. This is getting out of hand. Dirty tramp Barbie whores.

New Parent Must Haves

Just as every adult should have Excedrin, NyQuil and Neosporin in the medicine cabinet, every parent should have the following for the newborn / infant years:

The only cream worthy of your child's chapped ass.

Gripe water. Try a few different brands. Baby's Bliss works for us.

The swing. Doing its job for, I don't know, a long frickin time.

 

The play mat or gym. Hours of entertainment while you clean the bathroom.

The boppy. Without it, feeding would suck.

 

Recall shmee-call. The kid loves it.

Over the Hill . . .

She had her 5th birthday on Sunday, and Scarlett might just be "over the hill." How can you be over the hill at 5-yrs-old, you might ask???

Well, you can if the moment you turn 5, you are obsessively preoccupied with the fact that it is all downhill from there, that you start anxiously (by "anxiously" I mean stay awake at night) awaiting Kindergarten (6 months away), and thinking (all on her own, I might add) that it might just be time to give up your comfort item (a blankey) and then leaving it in you cubby at school with the express idea of trying to make it through the weekend without it (knowing full well that if you didn't leave it in your cubby at school for the weekend, you wouldn't be able to leave it alone).

Sounds like over-the-hill to me--so what does that make her gray-in-his-beard dad? Old as the hills?

 

Little Man Smiles

I feel as if I need to apologize for the long breaks between posts. Which, pushes me to avoid writing posts because I've got no interest in the pre-post disclaimer. This is my last. I'm just going to write. Random, short, unpolished, whatever.

So, Keison smiles. He also giggles when I squeeze him hard enough. I should really stop doing that. It's like squeezing a cat to make it meow. Anyhow, he's just a sweet little dude. He's happy, he's sleeping well and becoming more animated every day.

I'll follow shortly with new pics. We had him in a studio yesterday. I hope the shots turn out well. It was a free session because Mod 4 is trying to build its portfolio of children under one. I hoped the photographer would have let Tanis get into a few shots, but time is money.

All is forgiven if the photos look good.

That's No Ooopsie - Third Installment

Okay, I can't leave it alone for any longer. That woman, Nadya whoever, who just had octuplets (I can't believe I even have occasion to write that word!) is freaking nuts, cuckoo, off her rocker, crazy, the butter's slipped off her noodles, she's insane I tell you.

Let's do a little simple arithmetic. Single mom w/ 6 children + 1 unethical fertility clinic + "I was an only child and always dreamed of a huge family" (she actually said that) + waaaay too many implanted embryos + 8 (oct) newborns = the most irresponsible thing I have ever heard of in my life. It's like the opposite of Ted Bundy.

That woman is a serial birther!

Check out this MSNBC article on the subject - you'll get a new found understanding of what crazy is. She claims to hold her children for 45 minutes each. What does she do for the other 35 minutes in the day? The whole idea gives me the Elvis shakes.

Here's what octuplets SHOULD be like:

FUCKINGALLSTONES

The gallbladder was removed, but the site from where it was yanked was never sealed properly. Let me rephrase, the site was re-opened due to overly-strenuous movement on my wife’s part. Whatever you say, doc.

The opening in the liver allowed bile to flow freely about her organs and intestines. The new severe pain – slightly worse than the original severe pain – required a second procedure. Sara was readmitted and spent another three nights and five full days in the hospital.

She’s home now and doing much better. The three stones from her gallbladder are now in a biohazard bag on our kitchen counter. The three fifths of Jim Beam I drank while trying to care for a three-year-old AND a newborn are now in our recycling bin.

Thank You, Dad

My dad came by Monday to help me with the kids. Sara was still in the hospital snorting morphine.He fed the kids and freed me up to get out to the hospital. While I was gone, he took the photos below. I like them. Thanks again, dad.

 

 

NO WORDS